Overcoming trials, reinventing yourself, battling anxiety, cPTSD, overcoming trauma…any of that sounds familiar to you?
Having a family. Being a mom. Being in a loving and respectful relationship with a husband. That was always my childhood dream.⠀⠀
When the latter came crashing down on me, my world as I knew it, the future I had envisioned – it all ended. I was forced to shift my thinking; to create new dreams. In a sense: find a new me.
So, I took action and baby steps in this new direction. Because jumping off a cliff is scary. And once you made that jump, at least for me, taking it one new step at a time is the way to go; not running blindly, full force ahead. I am forging a new path.
The kids have now been staying with their dad for a little over a week. I still find myself crying every day. Crying in part because of what is going on in the world. (Any other highly empathetic people who can relate here? Yes? #BLM) However, the bigger part is that my identity I had for almost 20 years – is gone. My marriage and my children gave me purpose. My children are my why. Not having them with me, is killing me inside. ⠀⠀
Anxiety and cPTSD are part of my journey now, but I don’t want them to control me or define me.
I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to do anything. Who am I if I am not a wife? Who am I if I am not able to be that mother to my children? And don’t you say “You are still a mom! You still have your kids! They’ll be back home in no time.” That is not empathetic, nor does it show understanding. It also doesn’t change anything for how my mind thinks right now, at this moment.⠀⠀
“…when you identify as someone for the majority of your adult life and that identity is gone…it is excruciatingly painful and you can find yourself in a very dark and lonely place…”
Because honestly speaking, it is not the same. I don’t think I have the words to really explain it, but when you identify as someone for the majority of your adult life and that identity is gone…it is excruciatingly painful and you can find yourself in a very dark and lonely place.
I am not sharing this to get your pity. I am not sharing this to get you to feel sorry for me. No, I am sharing this to help myself. To acknowledge to myself how hard this is. (Maybe in the process help validate the feelings of others in a similar situation. Letting them know that they are not alone.) To completely loose sense of who you are and having to quite literally force yourself to actually want to reinvent and find yourself again. To want to get out of bed, to find a new version of you. Without it being attached to anyone else; not my spouse or my kids.
I will always know that I am a child of God. Thankfully, that is not even a question to me. Though I am sure many others even struggle with that. But what is my purpose? How can I find that? Without feeling guilty. Without any of the shame that comes with it. I literally searched that on Google. And there is an abundance of great information out there. But ultimately, I have to actually find it for myself. And I am still working on that part. One step at a time.
Activities that help me get through the darkness:
I read, I listen to podcasts, I spend a lot of my time outside in nature, I exercise, I meditate. I sing along to music and dance, while nobody is watching other than my 2 pups.⠀⠀
Through my personal trials, I have learned over the last couple of years to no longer hide this side of me, to speak up and openly share some of my experiences. To process and to talk about the pain and challenges. That way my family and best friends, while they are not here locally to check up on me, can do so virtually. Because acknowledgement and openly speaking about it is therapeutic and helps ME. ⠀⠀
And I will not be shamed for doing so. Not ever again. To quote Brené Brown from her book The Power of Vulnerability (which you can find under my Amazon faves):
“I am not going to feel shame because my goal was authenticity. […] People who will push back the most are the people who benefit the most from me always saying yes.”
I’m not even halfway through the time I will be without my children this summer. I am blessed to have my 2 dogs with me, not feeling completely alone, blessed to be in school. My homework, while overwhelming at times, is keeping me grounded these days. People who genuinely care for me are a blessing I am very grateful for. I am trying really hard every day so that in 5-10 years from now I can look back and say: I did that. I went through an incredibly painful and dark time in my life, but I got up, put one foot in front of the other, one step at a time, acknowledging my pain and talking about it. Finding healthy ways how to cope, and hopefully in the process…
finding me.
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